Seemings
by Shonetta
Summary: Another short Post-Endgame story. Reality is not what it seems for Janeway. J/C


**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**SEEMINGS**

Home. Voyager would soon be home. In her ready room, a cup of coffee in her hands, Kathryn Janeway looked out at the fleet of ships flying Voyager to Earth. It was hard to believe that, after seven long years, she and her crew were about to arrive at the destination they had crossed a galaxy to reach. Everything felt surreal, like a dream, and she expected to wake up any moment and discover that all this was indeed nothing but a night time fancy. And yet, despite the elation, it was not exactly the homecoming of her dreams. In her dreams, Voyager had got home by legitimate means, not by breaking almost every rule in the book, and in her dreams, Chakotay had told her as soon as Earth was in sight that he loved her, not another woman that he'd barely been friends with.

Seven.

How had that happened? How had the two people she was closest to fallen in love and she hadn't noticed? Had she paid them so little attention? At what point had he stopped loving her? Was it after Jaffen? Was it before? Had he ever really loved her? He'd never said so, not plainly. Everything between them had always been inferred. Had she been wrong? Had his feelings only been platonic all these years? Every instinct said no, that he had loved her as much as she loved him, but instincts were not facts. Perhaps she had only imagined he loved her because she wanted him to.

And now?

And now she would have to learn to live without him. Learn to live without so many people. And it was going to be hard. Harder than she'd ever imagined. If only getting home didn't have to mean goodbye. But it did mean goodbye, and how she was going to say goodbye to Chakotay she didn't know. She needed him, needed his gentle strength and quiet counsel, and had meant it from the bottom of her heart when she'd once told him that she couldn't imagine a day without him. Imagining the rest of her life was impossible. But somehow she would have to try. After all, he wouldn't be gone from her life completely. They would still see each other, still be friends.

Friends.

If only friendship was enough.

Suddenly, the door chime played. Coming out of her thoughts, Kathryn turned around, put down her coffee, and bade whoever was there to enter.

"Come in!"

The door slid open and, to her complete surprise, Admiral Paris came in. He was alone, and in uniform, and looked exactly as he had only moments before when she'd talked to him on the comm.

"Sir..." she said in surprise.

"Hello, Kathryn," he smiled. "Forgive my unexpected visit. I just had to beam onboard to see Tom and my new granddaughter."

"Of course," Kathryn replied. "Welcome to Voyager." Tears then filled her eyes. "It's really good to see you."

"Not half as good as it is to see you. I've waited a long time."

He then opened his arms to her, just as he had on occasions in the past, but there was something about this man, and the way he had said those words, that made her hold back. He looked like Admiral Paris, and he sounded like Admiral Paris, but there was an emptiness in his eyes that made her shudder. An emptiness she had seen before. An emptiness she would never forget...

"Oh God," she cried. "It's you..."

The Admiral frowned. "Kathryn?"

"Don't play the innocent with me! You may have fooled me once but you won't again!"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh yes, you do! Last time you were my father, now you're Admiral Paris. Well, it's not going to work. You're never getting me into your matrix!"

"Matrix? I really don't..."

"I should have known all this was too good to be true. A me from the future, a transwarp aperture that takes us right to Earth's doorstep. It's all you! All an illusion!"

"Kathryn, I..."

"It's Captain! You and I are not on a first name basis!"

Then, all of a sudden, a bright light flashed before her eyes and she was somewhere else. Somewhere she knew well. Sickbay. Lights were beaming down on her, lights that blurred into faces, and voices were talking. Chakotay's voice. The Doctor's.

And then...

And then she was back in the ready room. Back before Admiral Paris.

"I knew it!" she cried. "I've been injured somehow and you've got inside my head to play your sick games! Well, you won't win. I know this isn't real and I know I'm not dead. If I was, I wouldn't be seeing you! So what was your plan? Make all my dreams come true by getting Voyager home and then have us attacked by the Borg just as we're getting there? I die in the battle, as does Admiral Paris, but because I've got my ship home I'm more than willing to go with him into the next life? The next life that is really your matrix?"

Voyager suddenly shook and outside the window a Borg cube appeared.

"And there we have it!" Kathryn declared. "Right on cue!"

Anger contorted the Admiral's face now and his eyes flashed red. "Damn you! But you will come into my matrix! You will nourish me!"

Kathryn stepped closer. "Not a chance in hell!"

"You're mine, Captain! There's no escape! My matrix is all around us!"

Lights again...voices...Chakotay's voice.

"Stay with us, Kathryn. Keep fighting."

Then she was before the alien again. The alien that was now on fire.

"You're coming with me, Captain!" he bellowed. "You're coming into my matrix!"

"Never! You're wasting your time!"

The burning alien grew taller now and towered over her. "You cannot resist me! I will not be opposed!"

White flames then surrounded her, licking the air like tongues of dragons.

"If you come not into my matrix, my matrix will come to you!"

Slowly the flames crept closer, eating their way through the floor towards her. Kathryn span around, looking desperately for a way out, but there wasn't one. She was trapped. Trapped in a circle of fire that was inching closer.

Hot.

Unable to breathe...

Dying...

_Alive._

All this was just in her head. Just an illusion. If she closed her eyes, closed out the alien and the flames, then they would disappear. They could only consume her if she gave them the power.

So she closed her eyes.

Closed her eyes and focussed her mind on Chakotay. She could hear him calling her. Hear him telling her to fight. His voice was getting louder. The darkness brighter.

And then...

And then she woke up.

Chakotay was looking down at her, The Doctor too, and Tuvok was standing close by.

"Captain," The Doctor said. "Welcome back."

A hand was on hers, Chakotay's hand, and Kathryn squeezed it. "It's good to be back."

"The Doctor detected an alien prescence in your cerebral cortex," Chakotay told her. "Was it...?"

"Yes," Kathryn answered. "He came back. Only he wasn't my father this time, he was..." She closed her eyes as pain seared through her brain. "It doesn't matter. He's gone now. I hope this time for good."

Tuvok questioned. "Did he attempt to lure you into his matrix again?"

"He did. But I don't want to talk about it. The less said, the better. What I'd like to know is how I ended up in here. Was I injured on the bridge? I don't remember."

"Yes," Chakotay said. "You fell and hit your head while we were fighting a Borg Cube. You've been in a coma for three days."

"Really? Three days?"

"Needless to say you gave us quite a scare."

Kathryn tried to sit up, but The Doctor pushed her back down. "Take it easy. You may be out of the woods, but there's still the park to go."

"What's our status?" she asked. "Are we back on course?"

"As I suspected," The Doctor said, "you have amnesia. But don't worry, Captain. It should only be temporary." He then addressed Chakotay. "Commander, tell the Captain of our situation."

Chakotay squeezed Kathryn's hand and gazed at her with infinite warmth. "We're home, Captain. We got home through a Borg transwarp aperture, aided by..."

Kathryn finished the sentence. "A me from the future."

At this, The Doctor questioned. "You remember?"

"Not exactly," she answered, "but when I was...with the alien...he..." Her face then paled as a terrible thought occurred to her. "You're not real! All this...it's another illusion!"

The three men looked at each other in concern, then back at her.

"I assure you we are real, Captain," The Doctor said.

"No," Kathryn insisted. "The alien's trying to..." But then, as alternative scenarios came to her, she calmed. "Unless it all did happen and he used that to... Yes, that's it. He manipulated my memories. The ones I don't remember."

Chakotay's hand was on hers again. "What are you saying, Captain? That the alien drew on events of the past few days to create a false reality in your mind?"

"Yes. Just like he did when our shuttle crashed. I can't explain it, but I feel awake. Even though I did before, when I was with the alien, so many things felt wrong that the whole existence was surreal. But this...being here... it feels real."

Tuvok spoke. "What happened in your hallucination? If you give us a brief outline of events, we can tell you which parts are true."

"Well, after we fled from a Borg infested nebula, a nebula that we thought contained wormholes, we received a visit from a future me. She was an Admiral, a lot older, and told us that there was a Borg transwarp hub inside the nebula that we could use to get home. I was skeptical, not just about the hub but about her identity, and was reluctant to go along with her plans. She told me that if we didn't, it would take another sixteen years to get home. She also told me that Seven was going to die, leaving Chakotay with a broken heart because he was her husband, and that you, Tuvok, have a disease that can only be cured in the alpha quadrant. I don't remember details, everything is kind of fuzzy, but I eventually agreed to her plan. No...I insisted on modifications. I insisted that we destroy the hub too. She did that, infecting the Borg with some kind of pathogen, and we flew Voyager through a transwarp aperture. The Borg pursued, but we annihilated the threat. Then a fleet of ships came to greet us and...and that's when I realized I was hallucinating."

"Fascinating," Tuvok said. "Most of these events have actually occurred, and in this sequence. However, we have not been greeted by a fleet of ships, as we are several days from Earth, and I do not have a disease. If I did, it would be my duty to inform you. I also cannot imagine Commander Chakotay and Seven of Nine ever being husband and wife."

"Neither can I," Chakotay declared. "We're hardly even friends."

At these words, tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. If he didn't love Seven, if they weren't a couple, then there was still hope. Still hope that, somewhere in his heart, he still loved her the way he once had.

"But why would the alien fabricate some things but not everything?" The Doctor asked.

"That is what is fascinating," Tuvok replied. "And I have a theory. It is this. The alien was not in total control of the hallucination. The Captain's subconscious was able to penetrate the dreamstate and create unlikely scenarios in the hope of alerting her to the situation. The form the subconscious took was Admiral Janeway."

"That certainly makes sense," Kathryn said. "I did wonder several times if I was dreaming."

"Which no doubt helped you to ultimately defeat the alien."

Kathryn looked away from Tuvok to Chakotay. "Does Starfleet Command know we're back?"

"Yes. We've relayed them a message and they've relayed us one back. They welcome us home and promise exoneration for all us Maquis."

Kathryn squeezed his hand. "That's wonderful, Chakotay. But if they hadn't, I'd sure have kicked up a fuss."

The Doctor spoke now. "I still will if you don't do as you're told for the next 24 hours. You've suffered a severe head injury and must rest. In fact, I insist you stay here under my supervision."

"Oh, but surely that isn't necessary, Doctor," Kathryn protested. "My quarters is just a transport away."

"Yes," he answered, "if transporters were online. Voyager came out of the conflict in worse shape than you. For two days we had to walk around in semi-darkness, which makes me say thank heaven for a hologram's adaptable vision, and many systems are still at critical. Unless the crew gets a move on with repairs, I'd say it'll be weeks, not days, before we see Earth."

The crew. Kathryn's thoughts turned to them now. "How are they? The crew? Were there any...any fatalities?"

"No," Chakotay answered. "There were lots of casualties, but you and Harry Kim came off worse. He's fine now, though, and back on duty since yesterday."

"I'm glad. To lose someone now, it..." She paused as a memory returned to her. A memory of Admiral Janeway. "I remember. I remember the admiral...the future me. Not much, but...but what she said about Seven. It was Harry that was her husband...Harry who was devastated."

"That I can believe," Tuvok said, "as I have observed an attachment between them of late. In fact, I discovered them having a picnic together in the cargo bay only hours before the admiral arrived. I informed you of this, and of Seven's overuse of the transporters in beaming constantly to his quarters, but you showed little concern."

"Well," Chakotay smiled, "they're hardly criminal offenses."

"Maybe not," Tuvok answered, "but our resources must be used wisely. Bridge personnel must also act responsibly. Manipulating duty rosters for personal advantage is not acting responsibly."

"I quite agree," The Doctor declared. "Harry Kim is an irresponsible juvenile with romantic interests that change on a whim. Seven could do a lot better. But what does my opinion matter? It clearly doesn't to Seven."

"It may in time, Doctor," Tuvok said. "I do not believe their infatuation will last."

"What's it to me if it does last? " The Doctor argued. "I have no interest in Seven. What I said when I thought I was dying was meant only in the platonic sense."

Chakotay smiled. "If you say so, Doctor."

"I do say so. I also say that you gentlemen should leave now. The Captain needs to rest."

Kathryn spoke. "I'll rest better in my quarters, Doctor."

"While you exhaust yourself reading logs and reports of the last few days? I don't think so, Captain."

"I won't have to read them, Doctor," Kathryn answered. "The computer will read them to me."

The Doctor was about to protest when Chakotay spoke.

"How about I read some to you? I can pick out the most important ones and fill you in on everything else."

Kathryn turned to him and smiled. "I'd like that, thank you."

Chakotay smiled back, but The Doctor wasn't having it.

"Like it all you want, Captain," he said, "but it isn't happening. You must remain in bed which means you must remain here."

"What about a compromise?" Chakotay offered. " If the Captain promises to stay in bed, and I promise to see that she does, will that placate you?"

"No, but I see that I'm fighting a losing battle. With the two of you against me I have no chance. But I'll try my luck at a truce. I'll agree to you resting in your quarters tonight, Captain, if you agree to staying here until then. You need close monitoring for at least six hours."

"Ok," Kathryn conceded. "I'll stay until tonight."

The Doctor smiled. "I'm glad that's settled. Now, gentlemen, I must ask you again to leave."

Chakotay got to his feet. "We're on our way, Doctor." He then took Kathryn's hand in his one last time and gazed at her with a warmth that took her breath away. "I'll see you later."

Kathryn smiled and squeezed his hand. "Later."

Then, before she knew it, he and Tuvok were gone.

"In my...dream," Kathryn said to The Doctor as the door closed behind them, "B'Elanna had the baby. Has she?"

"Yes," The Doctor answered. "Trust a Paris to make a grand entrance when everyone else is making an exit. I mean, of course, our dramatic departure from the delta quadrant. But that's the way of the world. For every death, there is a life."

Those last words, and the way they were said, made Kathryn's stomach flip. "Death? What do you mean, Doctor?"

The Doctor loomed over her now, a hypospray in his hand. "I regret to inform you that the injury to your head will prove fatal. Within hours you will be a cabbage and then a corpse. I must spare you the suffering and euthanize you."

He moved the hypospray towards her neck, but Kathryn desperately pushed it away. "No!" she cried. "You're the alien! I'm hallucinating! No! No!"

And then...

And then she was in her bed. Her bed in her quarters. It was dark, except for the usual glow, and all was still and quiet.

A dream.

It had all just been a dream.

A nightmare.

A nightmare about the day's events. But it was over now. She was in her quarters, having been discharged there by The Doctor as promised, and Voyager was just days away from Earth.

Home.

Voyager would soon be home.

"Kathryn? Are you ok?"

The voice was Chakotay's. Turning towards it, she saw him standing in the doorway. Evidently she had cried out in her sleep and disturbed him. After all, he was only in the lounge, supervising her until midnight as The Doctor had ordered.

"I'm fine," she answered. "I just had a nightmare...the alien."

Chakotay walked towards her and the room's lights came on low as he did. "I'm sorry he showed up again."

"Me too. I thought I was rid of him for good. It's been years."

"Would you like me to get you something? A glass of water or..."

"No, thank you. But I would like...I would like your company for a bit."

Chakotay pulled up a stool and sat beside her. "For as long as you want."

Kathryn gave a wan smile and reached for his hand. "Thank you."

Chakotay squeezed her hand and then looked at her in concern. "How are you feeling now? Does your head still hurt?"

"Not as much. The pain meds have taken the edge off it."

"Which, coming from you, means it's hurting a lot."

"Maybe," she conceded. "But I'll be ok. By the time we get home, I'll be ok." She then smiled. "Home. We really will be there soon."

"Very soon. We're now up to warp six. If we can maintain it, we should be home by this time tomorrow."

"Really? Tomorrow?"

He nodded. "Tomorrow."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. "I can hardly believe it. It's so wonderful that...but I mustn't cry. If I want to be better by tomorrow, I mustn't make my headache worse."

"Then let's pretend we're not there yet," Chakotay said kindly. "Let's save the tears for when we are."

Kathryn squeezed his hand. "Agreed. But there is something I'd like to say. Something I've wanted to say for a long time." A stubborn tear escaped her eye. "I love you, Chakotay. I don't know if there's still a chance for us, or if it's too late, but I need you to know how I feel."

At this, tears filled Chakotay's eyes. "I don't think it could ever be too late for us, Kathryn. I've loved you since the first day we met and I will until the day I die."

"Really? You still love me?"

"With all my heart. Nothing frightens me as much as the thought of losing you. These last three days have been hell."

Kathryn could see the truth of that on his face. His eyes were heavy and dark shadows circled them.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm sorry for what you've been through. I'm also sorry for the distance I've had to keep between us all these years. It wasn't what I wanted. Not for a second. But the crew's needs had to come before my own and..."

Chakotay silenced her with a finger on the lips. "You don't have to explain, Kathryn. I understand. We've both had responsibilities and obligations that are bigger than ourselves. But our mission is over. In a day or so, we will no longer be Captain and First Officer. We'll be free to be to each other what we want to be. And I want to be to you what you want to be to me."

Tenderly, Kathryn put her hand to his cheek. "I do. The future is ours for the taking and...and I want us to take it."

Chakotay kissed her hand. "We will, Kathryn. And we'll make it the future we've always dreamed of...when we've dared to dream."

"Yes. We'll do all the things we said we would and go to all the places we said we'd visit. Just the two of us. Just you and me."

"Just you and me."

Their eyes locked, love reflecting, and then, with infinite tenderness, Chakotay lowered his lips to hers and kissed her. Kathryn closed her eyes, cherishing the long forbidden affection, and then she hugged him. Hugged him to her body and to her heart. He hugged her too, holding her for what seemed like forever, but then he let her go.

"Remember what we said...no tears. We'll talk more of this tomorrow."

Kathryn nodded and lay back against the pillows. "But don't go yet. The alien...I need you here."

"Then here I'll be. But try to sleep. Your body needs it."

"I'm fine. With my dreams being what they are, I'm better off awake."

"The Doctor would disagree. In fact, he's given me something to help you sleep." With that, he reached into a pocket and pulled out a hypospray. "Here we are. It will have you sleeping in no time."

"I don't want it," Kathryn said, suddenly feeling anxious. "I want to stay awake."

But Chakotay didn't listen. He just aimed the hypospray at her neck.

"No!" Kathryn cried, fearing it like poison. "No! You're not real! You're him! The alien! I'm asleep!"

And then...

And then she was awake.

Awake in another bed. A bed in a luxurious hotel room that looked out at the city of San Francisco. A crescent moon shone above tall buildings and a myriad of stars lit up the night sky. The sky that had brought Voyager home. Brought them all home a week ago.

Safe.

Just a dream.

Truly just a dream this time. The alien was gone. Had been gone for a week. Perhaps gone forever. She could only hope so. Of all the aliens she had ever encountered, he was the one that scared her the most. Scared her because he was invisible. An invisible enemy that hid behind the face of love. It would take her a long time to forget this last encounter, just as it had for her to forget their first. But forget him she would. Life was too wonderful to remember him. Her memories of her last few days on Voyager too precious to let him haunt them. For she remembered everything now, remembered their escape from the Borg infested nebula, their visit from Admiral Janeway, the destruction of the Borg hub, the birth of Miral Paris, their conflict with a Borg cube on arrival in the alpha quadrant, and the moment of injury that had sent her into the alien's clutches. But that twisted reality she had lived through with him was now just a fading memory. Chakotay did not love Seven, and Tuvok did not have a disease. In fact, according to The Doctor, Tuvok was in better shape than ever. As to who Chakotay loved, that was obvious from where he was presently sleeping.

Beside her.

Beside her where he belonged and where she hoped he always would be.

With a smile on her face, she watched him sleep in the moonlight, his muscular body draped in a white satin sheet, and then she cuddled up to him. Stirring awake, he gathered her against him, and with their bodies entwined, they both fell back to sleep.

THE END


End file.
